I write for no one
I write so I won't go crazy. I write because every time I write a word, a phrase, a sentence, my brain feels good, and the more I write, the better it feels. I write because I always surprise myself.
Who do I write for? I write for no one, because I know even I won't read what I'd put on paper. There are too many ideas and too little time to go back and read what was written. I'm also too ashamed of anything that was ever taken out of my brain. I know I'll cringe and roll my eyes at every line. I hate hearing my voice and I hate reading it.
I don’t only write what I feel, but what I don’t, and while I do this, I make myself feel it. The loss of someone I’ve never met, a feeling I’ve never experienced before, or a well-known feeling written from someone else’s point of view.
When I write, I am somebody else, a more confident person, somebody I’m afraid of showing to the world, afraid of myself and the feelings that come out when I’m in a creative flow. I don’t think about the consequences of every single word and I’m not stopped by the fear of writing them. When I write, I don’t think about the future, because I know no one will read it.
Haborym is a demon, and this is what I was told I had in me. And when I write, I let Her control me, like they said it would. I let the hate flow through the words I’ve been hearing since I understood what they said, and from then on, they made me afraid of being myself, of saying something that would make me look bad in their eyes.
Little did I know, that I already was. Not only by the fact that I was a girl, now a woman, or because I wore what I wasn’t supposed to, but because every day that went by, I saw what they were trying to do, and they tried to silence me. And so I learned how to hide.
The people that made me afraid of speaking, of being me. So when I write, I become what I was told was bad, because in the end, for them, I am bad for the simple fact that I am me.
I write for the scared little girl I used to be.