Turning 21
It has been a while since I’ve written anything for the blog — it’s been a while since I’ve written anything at all — but I thought today would be a good day to restart this habit of mine.
Today, I turn 21. For some, it can be a nice milestone. I’ve seen people be so happy to reach this age and finally be able to drink. But in Brazil, people can drink when they turn 18, so it doesn’t have the same effect. Also, I don’t think anyone should be that happy about that.
Birthdays always bring me a weird, sad feeling. The days before each one of them always bring me anxiety. It’s like I wish I could avoid it, but I can’t — nobody can. A birthday is as much a reminder of being born as it is a reminder that I’ll get old and die, and I don’t particularly love either of those things.
I know I have so much to celebrate: where I am at the moment, the fact that I am who I am because of the years I’ve lived. I should celebrate that I am not an immortal being fated to live forever in this cruel universe.
I don’t hate birthdays. I just wish life wouldn’t go by so fast. The thing is: I miss being a child. I wish I had more time to enjoy it. And although I love the “freedom” I have from being an adult, I hate it at the same time, because freedom comes with responsibility, and I feel like I didn’t have enough time to be irresponsible.
Growing up in a super religious family, limited in how much fun I was allowed to have, I learned to impose those same limits on myself. That, combined with my shyness, has made me lose so much, and now I feel like I can’t get all that back.
But at the same time, I feel like the time I had was enough to mature me into finally giving in to my wishes. Now, I am slowly losing the fears I used to have, allowing myself to live a little of what I once prohibited myself from experiencing. And this is my birthday gift to myself this year: permission.
This week was the first time I danced with people around me. Although it used to be something I would never do, I did it, and it felt amazing. This past year, I have done more than I did in my whole life before. And since I can’t go back, I should learn to move forward, and learn to have fun while also being an adult.
This “new year,” I hope to have many more experiences — and thankfully, I already am. But there are things I must always remember, and I must work with my own ghosts to keep them in mind: it’s never too late to choose yourself. Don’t beat yourself up so much about time, you still have plenty of it. Allow yourself to enjoy the things you once thought were wrong or unworthy. It’s up to you to decide whether to do them again or not.
